Headonism HQ

Remembering Usenet - Part 8

2010-04-20T08:20:00.004+01:00

Way back when in the days of yore, before there was forums, blogs and celebrity soirees, there was Usenet. Usenet was the place where the philosopher kings of the day gathered to advance civilization and enlighten mankind.

Nah, just kidding. It was a place where shitheads from all corners of the world congregated to air their insipid views on any petty subject their small minds could think of. But Usenet had one thing going for it (at least for a couple of years) -- Richard Head.

And this is a series to commemorate what was good about Usenet, i.e. me. Enjoy!

Subject: Re: Been a long time...
Newsgroups: alt.music.spice-girls
Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2007 04:46:49 -0000

On Nov 5, 10:22 pm, "Janice Rand" wrote:

> "Richard Head" wrote:
>> On Nov 5, 4:00 am, "Janice Rand" wrote:
>>> "Richard Head" wrote:
>>>> On Nov 4, 11:35 pm, "Janice Rand" wrote:
>>>>> But I might enjoy the humiliation and
>>>>> pain, who knows!? :-p
>>>> I love you.
>>> *worried look* But what if I don't enjoy it? Will you stop
>>> loving me? Will I be worthless to you vanilla? :-p
>> Nah, I'll always have time for you, babe. It just won't be
>> the deep, throbbing sexual kind of love, but rather the
>> can-I-have-a-bit-of-a-cuddle-please kind of love. So if
>> that's your thing, I say let's go for it.
> *smiles up shyly* so we could take "cuddle" as
> our safeword? ;-)

Works for me.

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." -
Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

Ofra Haza appreciation post

2010-04-17T09:50:00.002+01:00

She could've had me. And I would gladly have had her. Over and over again. They just don't make women with such effortless sex appeal anymore.

Anyone who could pull off wearing 70s fashion, and still be sexy, is my goddess.

Check out the most excellent Jewfros on display there. Especially the guitar player at the back. That's soon-to-be Matt Stone-esque EPIC fucked-up Jewfro right there. Respect.

Hmmm... yeah, it's probably a good thing Hitler didn't get a whiff of that or he would undoubtedly have made damn sure to finish the job. Still, Ofra made even that look good.

Pondering of the Day

2010-04-15T16:31:00.002+01:00

Don't you just hate it when you're watching CSI Miami and right in the middle of your enjoying of David Caruso's ludicrous mannerisms, suddenly they cut to some gory autopsy scene? I lose my hard-on every time.

Remembering Usenet - Part 7

2010-03-11T17:17:00.006Z

Subject: Take This To Your Graves, You Sad Bastards!
Newsgroups: alt.music.spice-girls, alt.music.bon-jovi, alt.irc
Date: 1998/06/06

OK, here's the stab in the groin I promised: 'The Tale of Two Spice Knockers - A Love Story' version 2.0.

I've basically just added a couple of characters, changed a couple of minor, and some not so minor, details of the original story and fixed the most horrid and obvious spelling mistakes. I've left the little introduction even though most people won't know what the fuck I'm on about there, but I just really like the way I formulated it (God, I'm such a wanker...).

Note: Of course, the honourable Mr Equalizer (bless his WebTV soul) is no longer with us, so if you're a newbie you won't know who the hell he is. But rest assured that great care has been taken by the author of this tirade to portray him the way he actually was (I see a libel suit in my not too distant future...).

Anyway, here we go:

This might be a true story, only the names have not been changed to publicly ridicule the partners in crime.

This is basically a re-hash of my "Now, You'll Just Hate This..." post, with the slight difference that I actually put an ounce of time, sweat and thought into it this time. Those of you who enjoyed that post will probably want to marry me and have my babies after reading this one. Those of you who did not particularly enjoy it might actually manage a reluctantly wry smile at this one. Those of you who thought it just plain sucked might wanna skip this post altogether.

Enjoy it, hate it, it's your choice. Just don't expect me to care if, when you reach the end of this tirade, you feel that you just wasted a few precious moments of your equally precious life.

==============================================

Once upon a time... (man, I like this story already!)... a little boy named Rod Munch, known to friend and foe alike as The Equalizer (yeah yeah, I know, but he's 11-years-old, give the poor kid a break, will ya), was walking through a dampened forest on his way to see his master, the almighty Spicy Samuel. Spicy Sam lived in the forest alone in a shed, or The Mansion, as they jokingly referred to it. The boys had attained a healthy portion of gallows humor since Spicy Sam had been thrown out by his parents after Spicy Dad had found the boys masturbating in the garage, aided by some of Spicy Mom's old Playboys.

When The Equalizer arrived at Spicy Sam's shed he knocked tentatively on the door. After a few seconds Spicy Sam opened the door in his usual firm and decisive fashion. The Equalizer always liked that about his master. "Shout out to m'boy The Equalizer!", said Spicy Sam, greeting his closest companion as enthusiastically as ever. The Equalizer responded in an equally affectionate manner. Needless to say, a joyous time was had by all. After a brief, but nice 'n quiet, kissing and hugging session, they decided to proceed with their mission at hand. On this particular day they were on their way to a fan meeting and a counselling session with a psychologist who they'd heard was top. The first stop would be the fan meeting at granny's house, where they were to meet all their fans from the
alt.music.spice-girls internet newsgroup. They left Spicy Sam's shed to embark on their adventure for the day.

After walking only a few hundred yards they spotted something coming towards them. "Oh no!", they thought. It was that cross-dressing, foul-mouthed gypsy kiwi-head midget, Mr Knowitall. Something must've woken him in his cave. The two boys just knew that this meant trouble, and the strain on both their innocent young faces was clearly evident. True to form Mr Knowitall proceed, in his normal and obnoxious fashion, to do one of those pre-match dances that those kiwi rugby players always do. All this while singing a potpourri of his favourite Spice tunes, occasionally letting out a hearty "GIRL POWER!!!". This did not please the two boys. They were two mighty fine lads, but they did intensly hate those damn Spice Girls, or Spice Sluts, as Spicy Sam called them to everybody's great delight. In fact, Spicy Sam had even gone so far as to re-make the Spice Girls' Girl Power motto to Slut Power. That boy sure had a creative head on his young shoulders, and The Equalizer loved him for it.

Luckily their pain was soon to be turned into great joy. For out of sheer excitement during his rousing finale, Mr Knowitall commited a fatal mistake. He accidentally slipped on a rock on the ground, leaving the poor sod with a broken leg and several nasty bruises. This was greeted by hysterical laughter and applause from the two boys. Spurred on by their momentary physical superiority, they went over to the temporarily incapacitated Mr Knowitall and aimed a good couple of kicks at his, for a midget, large head. "That'll teach you!", they angrily told him. After this pleasant little interlude they went their merry way, leaving Mr Knowitall to bleed to death in peace.

After walking for a while they turned their heads and nodded knowingly at eachother, the way only long-time lovers can do. Quite clearly their collective braincell had reminded them that it was a cheap shot. They both felt more than a little embarrassed about their shameful behaviour. They knew that what they had done was just plain wrong, but at least now they had something new to talk the counsellor about. It did put a moments damper on their journey, though. They continued in silence.

Soon something broke the silence that the two boys had, until so recently, shared and enjoyed. They could hear in the far distance an awful racket coming from a little house. They smiled tenderly at eachother, the way they usually only did after a particularly rough S&M session, for they knew that it was Finn - the drumming noise-terrorist. Finn was right in the middle of doing what he always does - practice his tired old Tool drum-solos, no doubt wearing one of his trademark moth-eaten old Eagles t-shirts. They figured that this sound-pollution Finn called drumming must've been what had woken Mr Knowitall. "Mheheh heh heh, Stool, mhehehe, Drool, hehemhehehe", said The Equalizer in that boyish way of his. Spicy Sam laughed out loud, like he often did during these in-jokes. "Does that guy never give up?", they joked. The Equalizer, not knowing where the line was drawn, added, "Yeah, really, it's like, what kinda dumbass spends all his money on a drumset when, like, he can't even play properly?", which resulted in a firm smack on the head and an harsh telling-off from Spicy Sam. Spicy Sam enjoyed a good joke as much as the next guy, but he was having none of those cruel jokes. Finn was a fellow anti-Spice believer, after all. The Equalizer apologized humbly, and more than a little grovely, to his master and they continued on their way.

After walking for a while they spotted another couple of familiar faces, Mayonessa and Ligs. They were sitting on a bench. He was having one of his weekly bad trips again, apparently. He was babbling. "I'm being chased by a pink hippo I tell you!", was one of the few sentences that Mayo managed to pick up during his incoherent whining. "I might as well jump off a bridge", he moaned. Mayonessa tried to comfort him by saying, "It's not that bad, some women like a man with a piece of metal thru his knob". It didn't work. Spicy Sam said, "Hey, Equalizer, check this out, there's Mayonessa! I'm gonna tell her how nice her boobs are". He walked up to Mayonessa and said, "Hey, Mayonessa, you...". "Read the fucking FAQ! Can't you see he's upset?!", she shouted back at him while pointing at Ligs. Spicy Sam took a step back, just to be safe.

Mayo turned her attention back to Ligs and tried comfort him by giving him a hug. "You know what the worst part is?", he sniffed. "The pink clashes with my purple shoes and this snot-colored shirt I have on! Waaaah!", he cried. Mayo made another brave attempt at comforting him by saying, "Well, at least your purple shoes looks nice with your blue hair". "I may as well be dead!", whined Ligs. Mayo thought, "Geez, be a man about it already!", but she was too tactful to actually say it. Suddenly Ligs got a look of terror on his face as he stared into the horizon. He must've seen the hippo again. As he got up from the bench, Mayonessa shouted, "Hey, hey, stop! My hair's caught in that metal crap you have all over your face!". Of course, being on the bad trip of the year, Ligs was oblivious to her existance, so he ran. "Stop! Fucking stop! HEEELP!!!", Mayo screamed as she was being dragged thru the mud by the hair. She continued, "Hey, don't make me shove the FAQ up your butt sideways, you sodding freakshow!". "Hmmm....Ah well...", the rather stunned boys said and turned around to walk away. "Shame about that beautiful, lovely hair", said Spicy Sam.

Next they walked past a bunch of people who they did not recognize. It was the alt.irc people. As usual, they were just sitting around doing nothing. Most of them just looked kinda dorky, but two of them did catch the eye of the two boys. One of them was a chick with a Bon Jovi shirt who was looking kinda bored. The other one was a bitter looking man (hey, being a highschool janitor can do that to a guy). They didn't know him, but his name was Jeremy Nelson. Jeremy was proudly sporting his Pathetic Wankers Anonymous shirt. The boys thought these people looked so boring that they just walked past them.

A bit further down the line they spotted Donnie, sitting on a bench with a huge grin on his face. He was masturbating and pretending to read a copy of Playboy. The two boys smiled at eachother as they walked by him, for they knew that Donnie wasn't reading Playboy. They knew that he always pretended to do that while secretly hiding a picture of Robyn in the magazine. They giggled and said, "What a perv!"

They soon arrived at granny's house. Obviously all their fans were there hoping to get a word with their idols. They entered granny's gloriously empty little house -- even granny was conspicuous with her abscence -- and sat down in the middle of the room. Encouraged by the surprisingly large turn-out the boys started to tell tall tales about various subjects. They went on for hours. Man, it was wall-to-wall wit and wisdom. Finally though, even our two heroes themselves were getting pretty sick and tired of their asinine ramblings. They decide to make their feeble excuses and leave to embark on the final leg of their adventure.

As they left granny's little house they saw a red-headed, big-breasted and rather miffed-looking woman approaching them. The woman appeared to be mumbling angrily to herself. "Little Red Riding Hood!?", they asked eachother. However, they soon saw that the woman's hair had the tell-tale signs of a cheap and shoddy dye-job. And since they knew that a Spice Slut hadn't been spotted in this area for years, they realised that it could only be Lulu - the terror of the Spice loonies. It was indeed Lulu. She had wrongly been informed by her sources that there was a meeting at granny's house discussing the Spice Girls. Naturally she'd concluded that the world's biggest baby, Ronald Traino, had been at the meeting spreading a filthy bunch of lies about the Spice Girls, no doubt aided by his fellow Spice loony, Trevor Ashman.

Now, Lulu wasn't the sort of woman to stand idly by and tolerate this kinda behaviour. While she did not like the Spice Girls, she didn't like incorrect facts much, either. "Don't believe a word that those two morons tell you!", she shouted to the boys, sounding strangely concerned about the subject. As she came closer she continued in an even more passionate manner. "Look, they don't write their own songs, Victoria has acne, Emma looks like a balding sperm whale, and I just hate Mel B!", she said, sounding quite agitated. "Look, Lulu, we don't care. Go away", they told her. This was a mistake, for Lulu started to hurl a torrent of abuse unto the two boys. And while they always liked to inflict physical pain unto eachother during sex, they did not enjoy this kinda verbal abuse. But it was more material for the counselling session, so in that sense it was good, and they realised it. After a few moments of light jogging they managed to shake off their ageing persecutor.

The jogging had left the boys quite shagged out. They decide to stop by Marilyn Manson's newly opened bar for a couple of glasses of milk of magnesia. As they arrived at the bar they opened the door and stepped in. The bar was empty but for a one-eyed, rather nasty-looking man who sat in the corner talking to himself. The man was quite clearly drunk. The boys recognized him straight away, it was Rod Rooter - the perverted Billy Dee Williams stalker. They immediately turned around and quickly left the establishment before he noticed them. They'd heard his sick and twisted stories about his depraved sex life a million times, they did not need to hear that again. And with him being drunk off his arse again, it was bound to be even worse than usual. Besides, that glass eye of his always made their skin crawl.

As they closed the door to the bar behind them, they could hear someone shouting insults at them from above. The Equalizer, thinking that it was God, immediately averted his eyes. Spicy Sam, on the other hand, cared fuck all about God, so he looked up to see a man sitting on a branch of one of the larger trees. It was none other than Richard Head - the self-centered, arrogant and abusive little troll. He was taunting them from up there. The Equalizer didn't approve, but Spicy Sam said, "Ignore him, don't respond, that's what he thrives on. He's just a lame troll. My sources over in alt.music.bon-jovi told me about him. Apparently he thinks he's funny or something.". Of course, this did not discourage Richard at all, quite the contrary. Richard just continued to taunt the two youngsters even more. Finally The Equalizer cracked, "You're a fucking prick, Mr Head-ache! You're probably a faggot with no friends! And you probably can't even get a woman, either! Just shut the fuck up and get a life, you loser!", he screamed at Richard. Naturally, Richard loved it and laughed so hard he almost fell out of his tree.

Spicy Sam calmed The Equalizer down and had a quiet word with him. "Calm down. You're The Big Sexy One, remember?", he told him. "Yeah, you're right. He's just a lame troll, you know. Let's just ignore him", said The Equalizer. The boys ignored Richard and walked steadily towards the counsellor's house. As they walked away they saw two women approaching the tree which they'd just left behind them. They recognized one of them as April, Richard's mistress. The other one was that chick who they'd seen with the alt.irc people earlier. It was Mary Beth, the Bon Jovi loving prison groupie. She'd become bored with the alt.irc people and decided to go look for some fun instead. As the two women reached the tree they both looked up at Richard and simultaneously exclaimed, "There you are, you hunky piece of man meat! Let's snog!". Then they looked at eachother with a surprised look on their faces and both said, "What the fuck!? He's mine!". "No! He's mine!", they shouted. Soon one hell of a cat fight broke out. Hair and teeth were flying everywhere. Richard, naturally, loved it. The two boys, however, said, "Yuck! Girls!", and walked away.

After a few minutes walking they arrived at what they assumed was the counsellor's house. There was a large sign above the door, but as neither of the two boys knew how to read, they didn't know what it said. No sooner had they realised this than the door was flung open. Standing before them was giant of a man. The man had a huge grin on his face. "C'mon in, boys!", the man said with a slightly effeminate voice. The boys walked into a small room with no furniture, only a couple of cushions on the floor. The huge man with the effeminate voice said, "Sit yourself down on a cushion, boys". The boys did...

THE END

Over to you, Adma...

==============================================

If you read the whole thing - get a friggin' life!

If you just scrolled down to the end without actually reading the story - shame on you!

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

If I'm the Super Deluxe model -- and I certainly am -- that you can only buy in specialist stores for a ton of cash, Spicy Sam was the budget version they give you for free at the supermarket when you buy four cans of your favourite fizzy beverage. And The Equalizer was his 14-year-old wannabe sidekick.

So if you detected a hint of The Equalizer being the Beavis to Spicy Sam's Butthead, give yourself a gold star. That's not to say that they couldn't occasionally be a bit funny (intentionally or otherwise) and didn't do their part to make alt.music.spice-girls the deliciously glorious freakshow that it was.

A sidenote: as I was reading this again I was sadly reminded of the fact that the glory days of the internets are well and truly gone forever. The censorship brigade has thoroughly destroyed any fun that could possibly be had on the internets. For example, I remember posting a cartoon of Jesus' rotting corpse on the cross being fucked in the eyesocket by a small devil to alt.music.spice-girls, and nobody batted an eyelid. Not even the resident Christian fundamentalist.

Compare and contrast to the social networking site of choice today, Facebook. Just in the last week I had a post in some Canadian group that read, "I have signed legislation to outlaw Canada forever. Bombing begins in 5 minutes. No ehs or boouts about it. So long, frenchy!", and one in the 'Hug A Jew day' group that read, "Are you the Judean People's Front?", both deemed offensive enough to delete. I mean, could you possibly come up with two more innocuous jokes if you tried? How petty and unbearably humourless can you get?

I'm so bored with the internets that I'm actually contemplating going outside.

We're all the same

2010-02-24T18:41:00.001Z

(click to enlarge)

Having a blog...

2010-02-21T20:35:00.001Z

Having a blog (or a Facebook/MySpace/whatever-profile for that matter) is mental masturbation taken to the extreme. And in public, no less.

I wish you all a very malignant tumor and a jolly premature death.

R.I.P. Richard Head 1902-2010

2010-02-16T17:12:00.001Z

R.I.P. Richard Head 1902-2010

Yes our dearly beloved me has departed this mortal coil and become an hero.

The exact circumstances surrounding my untimely demise are as of yet unclear. But as you would expect in the event of a major celebrity death, rumours are flying. Details are sketchy so far, but rumours have it that I was at a really hep and happening party and somehow died from sticking my winky someplace it didn't belong. And that's probably not too far away from the truth. After all, we all know what I was like after a few drinks, AMIRITE?

Of course, the inevitable conspiracy theories that always follow these incomprehensibly horrible tragedies are also rearing their ugly head. My favourite is the one where I faked my own death and I'm merely pining for the fjords. I mean, honestly, where do people get these nutty ideas from? But don't let that stop you from creating a WE WANT TRUTH AND JUSTICE FOR RICHARD HEAD group on Facebook, though.

Authorities are of course concerned that my death may inspire copycats and a spokesperson for my grieving family ask that members of the public not do anything foolish and that it's not what I would've wanted.

We all remember with some considerable fondness my cheeky grin, my catching turn of phrase, my funky dress sense and, of course, my love of the sideboob. I was a beloved father, son and holy ghost. I'm also fondly remembered by the ladies as an outstanding lover, an unstoppable sex machine, if you like.

I was an inventor of some prowess. Amongst my most celebrated inventions we find such things as the four day weekend and the automatic crotch warmer. Right to the very end I worked tiredlessly to help and advance humanity. In fact, only the day before my death, after many years of research, I discovered the word fagtardmuppet (a full announcement of this groundbreaking discovery will appear on the blog in the next few days).

I brought people together. Remember that World War I? I started that. Remember that Live Aid and Live 8? I had absolutely nowt to do with that. I spoke truth to power when I shouted "Oi! Stop doing whatever the hell it is you're doing with that jaw of yours and get the hell out of Iraqistan!" at Gordon Brown.

I lived, I loved, and I never cried. Real men don't cry, and I was all man all the time.

Truly, my death was a shocking tragedy from which none of us is likely to ever recover.

R.I.P. Me.

Please add your fondest memories of me and messages of condolences in comments.

Make me proud.

PS. Offers to have buttsecks with my corpse will not be appreciated (you know who you are).

Remembering Usenet - Part 6

2010-02-16T14:43:00.002Z

Subject: Re: Ny skiva?
Newsgroups: alt.music.bon-jovi
Date: 1999/01/01

When the cooking timer read Thu, 31 Dec 1998 15:51:13 +0100, "Maryann Bjordal" (maryann@online.no) served the following:

>Stakkars Dickie...klager han på grammatikken min nå....
>klarer DU norsk da dickie?? LOL!

For those who don't speak Gibberish (that's Norwegian), here's the translation of the above paragraph (although I've taken the liberty to make a few corrections just for the heck of it):

"Poor Dickie. Is he complaining about my grammar now? Can you speak Norwegian, Dickie? LOL! [sigh...]"

Why would anybody wanna speak Norwegian? I mean, it's just Swedish spoken with a silly accent. LOL... Besides, all I did was to ask why you apologized for your bad Swedish grammar and not your bad English grammar. Take out the butt-plug and chill.

>And complaining on my English grammar..well just proves
>that you do have no life at all..ROFL..welcome back Dickie...
>our fave joked on this newsgroup!....jeez LOL!

And for those who don't speak Retard (that's bad English spoken/written by an even worse Norwegian), here's the translation of the above paragraph (usual corrections made for good measure):

"And complaining about my English grammar. Well, that just proves that you have no life at all. ROFL. [double sigh...] Welcome back, Dickie, our favourite joke in this newsgroup! Jeez. LOL! [triple sigh with a twist o' lemon]"

I have no life? Gosh, that's an original and effective put-down. Slick move, girlfriend. You'll be dethroning Mary Beth in no time, I'm sure.

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

Video of the day

2010-02-13T13:51:00.000Z

They do enjoy a bit of a sing song them Brits, don't they? Could've done with a liberal serving of cow bell for me. But that's what you get for not consulting me beforehand.

Still, not bad.

Via Beehive Tottenham.

Remembering Usenet - Part 5

2010-02-07T15:40:00.004Z

Subject: Re: Solid Harmonie V Spice Girls V Popsie
Newsgroups: alt.music.spice-girls
Date: 1998/04/28

gus_lisboa@yahoo.com (NoDestiny) wrote:

>Hi in my opnion the best girl band is Solid Harmonie

I vote for She Moves. Not just the bestest girl band, but the bestest groop ALL CATEGORIES!!!!!!

>1- They are more beauty than Spice Girl´s and popsie....

1 - They is more intelligently than Slut Girls and Popsie and Sodding Harmony.

>2 -The songs are far more cooler that the spice and popsie
>music´s....

2 - The songs are far more hotter that the Spice Sluts and Poopsie and Sloppy Harmonie.

>3 - ELisa and Melissa are gorgeussssssssssssss........

3 - THat red-head is butyfulllllllllllllllllllllllllll............

> DOnt ForGet to VOte

I WoNT.

>Solid Harmonie - 1 Vote
>
>Popsie - 0
>
>SPice Girls -0

ShE MoVeS - 361 votes

>Ps : I would like to enchange Emails with Solid Harmonie
>Fans...

Ps : I would like to enchange Emailbombs with She Moves Fans....

> Ps 1 : SOrry my poooooooor english........

Ps 1 : DAmmit now I feel soooooooooo guilty.......

Well, it's all a laff, innit?

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

Remembering Usenet - Part 4

2010-01-04T22:29:00.004Z

Subject: Re: Yipeeeeee " Look at Me " is number 1, just as I knew it would be
Newsgroups: alt.fan.geri-halliwell, alt.music.spice-girls
Date: 1999/05/14

When the cooking timer read Thu, 13 May 1999 23:09:25 +1200, Trevor Ashman (ash8man@ihug.co.nz) served the following:

>YES, I have just read the " Trevor Ashman Music Chart "
>and I noticed that " Look at Me " is number 1, WOW, that
>Trevor Ashman has great taste in music, so there you go,
>I was right once again as I said " Look at Me " will be
>number 1 everywhere, and what a great place to start but
>the " Trevor Ashman Music Chart. HEY, I don't want
>anyone accusing " The Trevor Ashman Music Committee "
>of being partial to the wonderful Geri Halliwell, as they
>pride themselves on being fair to everybody and if you
>don't agree, well too bad, as no-one can disagree with it.
>IF you do have any complaints or compliments, e-mail
>them to: ash8man@ihug.co.nz and I am sure you will
>get no replies back, unless it's a compliment, then I am
>sure they would be more then happy to send a
>THANK YOU back. Just in case you wanted to know the
>other 9 songs in the top 10, would it surprise anyone that
>there were no other 9 songs.

Dear Sirs,

I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the post in which you claimed that Look At Me is a good song. Many of my best friends are loonies and only a few of them are budgerigars. Furthermore, no matter how many pairs of socks a man buys, he never seems to have enough. Please try to get it right in the future. It's just as easy to get these things right as they are easily found in the Bupa guide to Yorkshire brothels.

Eat my shorts,

Brigadier Sir Horace Balsam (Mrs)

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder...

2009-12-01T15:07:00.006Z

World Cup stadium 'cow sacrifice' plan sparks row
A proposal to bless South Africa's World Cup stadiums by slaughtering a cow in each one has caused concern among animal rights activists.

The Makhonya Royal Trust, which put forward the idea, described the cattle killing ritual as a "true African" way of blessing the 2010 tournament.

Government minister Sicelo Shiceka has promised to lobby football's governing body, Fifa, in support of the plan.

But animal rights groups have demanded to be consulted over the plans.

The National Council for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (NSPCA) has written to Fifa over the issue.

The BBC's Mohammed Allie in Cape Town says the NSPCA does not object to the ritual slaughter of animals.

But the group wants to ensure it is done in a humane way and wants to be involved in the process to ensure the welfare of the cattle, our correspondent adds.

"Now watch me ritually slaughter this cow with my bare hands... humanely!" That's gonna be a great show.

Also, traditionally, of course, being ritually slaughtered has been seen as the mirror opposite of having one's welfare ensured.

The Makhonya Royal Trust, which co-ordinates African cultural activities, said the sacrifice was an important way of ensuring a successful World Cup.

Yeah, I hate to think how the 1992 Summer Olympics had turned out if they hadn't choked that chicken. Or the mayhem that no doubt would've ensued had they not spanked that monkey before the 1984 European Championships. Not to mention what a shambles the 1978 World Cup would surely have been if they hadn't roughed up that clam.

"We must have a cultural ceremony of some sort, where we are going to slaughter a beast," trust chairman Zolani Mkiva told Reuters news agency.

You have been warned, Victoria Beckham.

Mr Shiceka, the co-operative governance and traditional affairs minister, was quoted in South African media as giving his support to the plan.

"The World Cup will be on the African continent and we will make sure that African values and cultures are felt by the visitors," the Citizen newspaper quoted him as saying.

I'd say.

The row comes amid attempts by activists to stop a traditional Zulu bull-killing ceremony due to take place on 5 December.

Activists have brought a legal challenge in an attempt to stop the ritual, known as Ukweshwama, when a crowd of young men kill a bull with their hands.

Well, say what you want about the humanity of it, but you have to be impressed by it. Anyone who can kill a bull with his bare hands is alright by me and welcome to marry my sister any day.

Remembering Usenet - Part 3

2009-11-28T11:21:00.002Z

Subject: It's here!
Newsgroups: alt.music.spice-girls, alt.music.bon-jovi
Date: 1999/05/07

Yes, your prayers have been answered. Finally, after years of waiting, the soon to be released pop-up picture book 'Richard Head: Up Close & Nude' has hit the shops.

Call 1-800-ILOVEDICK to place your order. The book costs a mere $146.83+p&p. 10 copies minimum. Operators are standing by to take your call. This book is not available in the store, you have to order it by phone. Order before April 1st 1999 and you get a free gift worth $10 for only $14.99!!! Hurry, don't be that only sad loser on your street not to own your very own copy. If you have any questions about the book you're welcome to call our special hotline 1-800-DICKISGOOD ($6.50/min) and our friendly and chatty staff will be more than happy to satisfy your every desire.

Here's what they had to say about the book:
"This book has totally changed my view on life" - Anon.

"I wish I was half the man Richard Head is" - Jon Bon Jovi.

"Since reading this book I haven't been able to stop fingering my clit" - Melanie Gott.

"I owe it all to Richard Head's book" - Brad Pitt

"I'm a bedwetter" - Trevor Ashman.

"I lost fifty pounds in three days reading this book" - Emma Bunton.

"Richard Head is the ultimate sex machine!" - Geri Halliwell.

"I wish I was Richard Head" - Ryan McWhatsisface.

"I wish I was Richard Head's sex slave"- Anna Nicole Smith.

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

Remembering Usenet - Part 2

2009-11-13T14:05:00.008Z

Subject: Re: Top Ten GIRL Bands ever?
Newsgroups: alt.music.spice-girls
Date: 1999/05/12

When the cooking timer read Tue, 11 May 1999 00:59:59 -0500, "Ronald Traino" (ronaldus@ix.netcom.com) served the following:

>Stefan Arestis wrote:
>>I reckon it has got to be:
>>
>>1. TLC
>>2. Spice Girls
>>3. All Saints
>>4. En Vogue
>>5. Honeyz
>>
>>What do you think?
>>
>>Stef...
>1) Spice Girls
>2) Bangles
>3) Bananarama
>4) Go-Go's

This thread just keeps getting funnier. The first moron posts a top ten list with only five entries, now Moronald post one with only four. Anyone with three? Anyway, here's mine:

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

The best part of this was that someone actually responded to that post with something like, "yuo foregot your list!1!! duh!!1!" I laughed so hard my head nearly fell off.

Surprisingly, sometimes Spice Girls fans can be as dense as Swedes.

Video of the day

2009-11-12T15:55:00.004Z

I wish I was this ambitious.

Respect.

Remembering Usenet - Part 1

2009-11-09T19:04:00.004Z

Subject: Re: How do I use IRC?
Newsgroups: alt.irc, alt.irc.questions
Date: 1999/01/28

When the cooking timer read Tue, 26 Jan 1999 20:59:19 -0000, "Xmorpheus" (xmorpheus@nospam.phishy.net) served the following:

>Richard Head wrote:
>>What about me?
>Dick, I wouldn't even touch you with V|per.....

Don't flatter yourself, you silly tart. If you hadn't snipped it, you would've seen that that question was quite obviously for Roel. Besides, pretending to hate me when you really love me and worship the threads I leave behind me in this NG is *sooooo* juvenile. What are you gonna do next? Pull my bra strap and make fun of my pigtails? Grow up.

--
Richard Head

"At least you picked the right name for yourself, dickhead..." - Willie (!!!) Stott, alt.music.bon-jovi.

I can't tell you how much fun I had jerking the alt.irc nerds around. Good times.

Video of the day

2009-11-05T15:36:00.004Z

Blue Man Group featuring Venus Hum - I Feel Love.

One word: awesome.

My house, my rules

2009-11-05T10:29:00.005Z

Does Jennifer Aniston Only Take Three-Minute Showers?
Vegetarian and planetary crusader Tobey Maguire reportedly has banned all leather products from his house. Per a breathless article in Seventeen, he also "makes everyone take off their leather belts and shoes and leave them by the door!"

Eerie! I have the exact same policy on bras at my house.

Zip it, grandad!

2009-09-12T11:36:00.003+01:00

My exorcist uncle was worried about me joining the Red Devils!
DIMITAR BERBATOV was told not to join Manchester United - because of their 'ungodly nickname'.

Bulgarian Berba's uncle is an exorcist who advised the striker not to sign up for the Red Devils.

The £30.75million buy from Tottenham said: "He is a priest and exorcist back home in Bulgaria - a powerful man who drives out demons and bad spirits.

Crazy Uncle Bulgaria?

"When I moved to United he had a problem with their nickname.

"As a godly man, he does not like the name Red Devils."

But now the same uncle has come to be thankful that Berbatov ditched White Hart Lane for Old Trafford.

The Bulgaria superstar - who today faces his old club at the ground where he became a hero - explained: "He has told me that his church has grown a lot bigger. People are football crazy in Bulgaria and if his church is more full as I now play for Manchester United, then that is great.

"It doesn't matter what gets them to church as long as they get there to learn from him."

Well, I suppose having a congregation of devil-worshippers is better than having no congregation.

Berbatov, 28, said: "I credit my success to my mother. Her prayers and support are everything to me.

"I know all she does for me and I know nothing I do can ever pay back the amount of support she has given me.

"My grandparents are very important too, my grandfather is a very wise man and a great man to talk to.

"When I am home in the summer I will go to his allotment and help him dig, then we will take the fresh produce home to my grandmother and she will make the most wonderful food.

"The allotment has been the place for some great chats and it was there where we talked about me moving to a club where I could win major trophies and I asked him what he thought about Manchester United."

I might've guessed there would be old people involved in that act of treachery. Here's my question: what did grandpa Berbatov do during the war? Did he by any chance collaborate in order to win more war trophies?

It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood

2009-08-20T13:48:00.002+01:00

Super Harry's Stormtroopers sitting pretty on top of the Premier League after a glorious thrashing of Hull City.

You know, a fella sure could get used to this.

Richard Head predicts the Premier League footy, August 15-16th, 2009

2009-08-15T11:18:00.003+01:00

Well, it's finally here -- a brand spanking new Premier League season. And what better way to celebrate it than to reveal the impending results? Say thank you. No worries.

Aston Villa v Wigan 2-0
Who cares?

Blackburn v Man City 2-2
Dubai City salvages a late point.

Bolton v Sunderland 0-0
Neither Bolton nor Spurs Rejects XI are capable of producing a goal. Twitter that.

Chelsea v Hull 2-1
It's with a heavy heart I report that Chelski will get a lucky win out of this one.

Everton v Arsenal 0-0
Boring boring Arse-nil.

Man Utd v Birmingham 3-0
Three penalties in the 8th, 14th and 21st minute of added time, I'd wager.

Portsmouth v Fulham 1-1
Prince Philip killed Di and Dodi. And the Dodo.

Stoke v Burnley 2-0
Who? Against who?

Tottenham v Liverpool 3-1
Without Gerrard the scroungers are going nowhere, and Super Harry's Stormtroopers reign supreme. Defoe gets two and Crouch the third. Magnificent.

Wolverhampton v West Ham 1-1
Again, I ask, who cares?

Richard Head explains the Middle East conflict

2009-07-09T15:32:00.004+01:00

People always say to me, "Hey, Richard, you're so handsome, why don't you explain the Middle East conflict to the unwashed masses?" Well, I've decided to give in to the will of the people, so here follows a short list of common arguments about the Middle East conflict. Enjoy.

Statement: "TEH PALOSTINIANS R MUCH WEAKER AND THATS WHY THEY DONT HAVE TO PLAY BY RULES AND CAN TARGET CIVILLIANS!!!111!!!!1!"
Answer: This is my absolute favourite argument. It's like arguing that Accrington Stanley's players should be allowed pick up the ball with their hands, run with it and throw it into the goal when they're playing against Manchester United because United are much richer and better at playing football.

Even your average footy player has too much sense to attempt something as feebleminded as that. That kind of density requires a university education.

Statement: "WHAT ARE THE PALENSTIANS TO DO!!??+? THEIR UPSET!!1!"
Answer: Count the number of times you've heard this argument from the same people with regards to Baruch Goldstein... Never? The heck you say!

Also, I'm not sure a crime ceases to be a crime just because the offender is upset.

Statement: "THEIR ACTING IN SELF-DEFENCE!1!!1!"
Answer: I'm not sure blowing yourself up on a bus full of civillians or firing rockets aimlessly qualifies as an act of self-defense, you know. Having said that, I have seen some ferocious looking toddlers on buses in my day, so maybe I'm just being too quick to judge.

Statement: "THE LAND BELONGS TO TEH PALEOSTINIANS AND THE JOO$ STOLE IT!!!!1!"
Answer: Ehm... no. The land was originally inhabited by Jews and only got the name Palestine after the Romans invaded and re-named it after the Philistines in order to spite the Jews.

And yes, I am aware that some of the more loopy Arabs -- that insufferable oink Hanan Ashrawi for example -- try to argue that they are decendants of the Philistines, but really... fuck off. There's a difference between a Philistine and a philistine, you know.

Also, of course, there's the inconvenient truth that the Arabs themselves stole the land (in fairness, that was long before stealing people's land was wrong, but still). But you gotta admire a thief who has the audacity to accuse you of theft for taking back your property, I suppose.

Statement: "THERES NO MORAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SUICIDE BOMBER AND TEH STEALTH BOMBER!!11!1! THEY BOTH KILL INNOCENT CIVILIANS!!11!! INTENT DONOT MATTER!!!1!!!"
Answer: This is a particularly popular tripe amongst those with the intellectual capacity of an unusually dumb potato -- like that drooling, demented old fool of a halfwitted pompous windbag, Tony Benn.

If you -- unlike Tony Benn -- happen to not be terminally stupid just yet, you may want to take a millisecond or two to consider the implications of this morality of yours: if intent doesn't matter that would mean that the doctor that makes a mistake and causes the death of a patient is -- according to your morality -- guilty of murder and should be sent to prison.

Still think this is a cute argument? Yeah? Then you might wanna consider a brain transplant. Good luck finding a surgeon willing to perform the operation after you've informed him of the consequences for him if anything goes wrong.

Statement: "THE 'ROCKETS' (YEAH RITE!!11!) ARE SIMPLE HOMEMADE FIRECRACKERS THAT NEVER KILLED ANYONE!!11!!!"
Answer: Yeah, really, since when is attempted murder a crime? Then there's the small matter of you being wrong, of course.

Statement: "ISRAEL KILLS THOUSANDS OFF PEEPOLL!!1!!1!!!!"
Answer: Says who? The same people who brought you the fairy tale of the Jenin massacre? The same people who brought you the Mohammed al-Durah hoax?

They have a bit of a history of making shit up, you know. Which is weird, since you would expect better from people who smuggle explosives in ambulances, blow up commuters and send their kids to do their fighting for them.

Statement: "ISRAEL IS GENOCIDING TEH PALOSTINIANS!!1!!!!!"
Answer: This is one of the kookiest assertions out there. A reality check might be in order.

Arab population in the Gaza Strip and the West Bank in 1967: approximately one million. Arab population in the Gaza Strip and the West Bank in 2009: approximately four million.

That is one pathetic genocide. Also worth noting is that when the conflict is at its absolute worst, about three Arabs are killed per day by the Israeli army. That is truly pathetic.

I mean, bloody hell, give me a baseball bat and I'm pretty sure I could rack up at least 100 kills in a day on my own (I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto).

One has to wonder what has happened to an army that could kill 13,000+ soldiers and destroy hundreds of aircraft and thousands of tanks in six days in 1967, but can only kill three unarmed civilians per day now.

Maybe it's time for the Israelis to replace the army with a few cranky old grannies or something. I'm sure they couldn't do a worse job.

Statement: "ISRAEL ACTIONS ARE DISPROPORTIONATE!!1!1!!!"
Answer: Oh, I'm sorry, I must've missed the part of the rules of war where it states that you're only allowed to kill as many of your enemy as they killed on your side. Also, is it just me or is there a blatantly obvious flaw with this rule (that it automatically hands ultimate victory to whichever side has the larger population)?

Besides, I thought we'd rejected the an-eye-for-an-eye approach to justice?

Statement: "ISRAEL IS TEH APARTEID STATE!1!!1!!!!"
Answer: That's like saying Japan is an apartheid state because I -- as a Swedish citizen -- am not allowed to vote in their elections, use their social services or shoot at their citizens. Bloody racists.

Now, Saudi Arabia and Iran, those are real apartheid states.

Statement: "HAVE YUO NO HART!!1!!! TINK OFF ALL THOSE PALOSTEINIAN PEEPOLL WHO R KILL BY ISREL!!!11!1!!!!!"
Answer: You feel sorry for people who are rewarded with 72 virgins in paradise? What's next? Are you gonna start a support group for people who had the misfortune to win $100 million on the lottery?

Statement: "YOUR A PRO-ZIONAZI PIGDOG!!1!!!1!!!!"
Answer: Well, I wouldn't quite put it like that. But since The One True Religion commands us to side with whoever has the best headgear, we pretty much default to siding with the Jews in any conflict. I mean, have you seen their gubbins? They got it going on, bro'! So yeah, I think we'll have to plead guilty to the charge of pro-Zionism.

Chant this!

2009-06-05T13:47:00.004+01:00

Chants of the season
How many special people came? How many flights we had to change? Where were you when we were in Chennai?
Hit for four with his first ball, Then got Gambhir and The Wall.
Where were you when we were in Chennai?
Somewhere you will find him, taking loads of wickets, in a Swanny Super Over in Chennai.
Somewhere you will find him, taking loads of wickets, in a Swanny Super Over, a Swanny Super Over...
Because some people believe that we shouldn't even come here at all...but you and I will never die, and Graeme Swann is just the reason why, why, why, why.
Barmy Army's tribute to Graeme Swann, to the tune of Oasis's Champagne Supernova.

That is quite possibly the most ambitious chant I've ever heard of. I like it. Respect. And it gives me the excuse to include the video of the real song.

However, my personal favourite chant of the season that I actually heard -- albeit on TV, what with me being stuck here in Loserville and not being able to make my way to the Holy Lane -- would be this somewhat related one:

You're just a shit Chas & Dave!
Spurs fans to Liam Gallagher about him and Noel during Tottenham-Man City game.

Good times.

Sometimes love hurts really, really badly

2009-05-31T21:47:00.003+01:00

An Egyptian husband-and-wife-team-to-be is (at least) one member short after the husband-to-be castrated himself in protest at the marriage.

Man chops off his penis
AN Egyptian cut off his penis today in protest at his parents' choice of bride, a police official said.

The 25-year-old labourer from the village of Sheikh Eissa in southern Egypt was taken to hospital in stable condition, the official said, adding that the man had also mutilated his testicles.

"He was in love with a woman but his parents rejected her and told him to marry another woman he didn't want. He took a knife and cut off his penis in his room."

Doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official said.

A bit rash, I feel.

Still, I wonder which is more painful -- chopping off your todger, or hearing that your future husband cut off his goolies in a desperate attempt to get out of marrying you? That's the cruellest rejection cut of them all, surely.

The stuff of dreams

2009-05-18T14:43:00.004+01:00

Big ass shark eating the Golden Gate bridge... check.
Giant squid bitch slapping a fighter jet... check.
Lorenzo Lamas... check.
Debbie Gibson... check.

If this film doesn't clean up at the Academy Awards, I'm boycotting Hollywood until Sean Penn admits that he's a douchebag and apologizes for wasting everybody's time.

What's wrong, Skippy? You say you've got an arrow through your head?

2009-05-17T20:23:00.004+01:00

Eye-witness:
I think it's shocking, you know, it's... I'd hate to have to be walking around with an arrow in me bloody head, that's for sure.

See, this is the kinda insight we need more of on the news. Take lesson, news people.

By the way, lest we be accused of not being fair and balanced, here's the other side of the argument:

Granted the guy was English, so that's fair enough, I suppose. But there can surely be no justification for the following attack:

Disgraceful.

Arab world's gone mad

2009-05-17T20:02:00.003+01:00

Today we welcome Kuwait to the 20th century.

Kuwait votes for first female MPs
"It's a victory for Kuwaiti women and a victory for Kuwaiti democracy," Ms Awadhi told AFP news agency.

"This is a major leap forward," she said. The right to vote and stand for election to Kuwait's parliament, the oldest in the Gulf, was extended to women in 2005.

Bloody hell, what's next? Are we gonna get women driving cars? With bare ankles? I mean, where's it all gonna end? Can you tell me that?

Oh well, at least they're not telling us about footy...

Aw crap!

I'll get me suicide coat.

For the record

2009-05-15T12:19:00.007+01:00

Let the record show that I'm thoroughly enjoying the gimp-off between Janeane Garofalo and Whatserface on 24.

I wonder how they got Janeane to take a shower and put on some reasonable clothes. Tranquilizer gun, perhaps? Oh well, that's the magic of Hollywood, I suppose.

Payback's a bitch

2009-04-22T14:22:00.004+01:00

South Park creators given signed photo of Saddam Hussein
Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park, were given a signed photo of Saddam Hussein by US marines after the former Iraqi leader was shown their movie in prison.

Stone, 37, said both he and Parker, 39, were most proud of the signed Saddam photo, given to them by the US Army's 4th Infantry Division.

He said: "We're very proud of our signed Saddam picture and what it means. Its one of our biggest highlights.

"I have it on pretty good information from the marines on detail in Iraq that they showed Saddam the movie.

"Over and over again – which is a pretty funny thought.

"That's really adding insult to injury."

I'm dead jealous.

So I decided to prepare myself for the eventual capture of David Baddiel and make this picture for his guards to wallpaper his cell with:
(click to enlarge)

Well, I never...

2009-04-21T16:05:00.005+01:00

I guess I was wrong -- looks like somebody's found a use for teenagers.

Iraqi forces arrest four teenagers training to be suicide bombers
IRAQI security forces have arrested four children who were allegedly part of a group of youngsters being groomed by al-Qa'ida to become suicide bombers, an Iraqi army general said.

The children, who were detained in a village near the northern city of Kirkuk, were part of a cell known as the "Birds of Paradise" and were being specially trained to avoid detection as they carried out attacks, security officials said.

"Special forces units have arrested an organisation of children consisting of four individuals under the age of 14 who call themselves the 'Birds of Paradise'," said General Abdelamir al-Zaidi, the commander of the Iraqi army division in Kirkuk.

"The group relies on children and is connected to al-Qa'ida. It works to recruit children and young people to carry out suicide attacks and to aid the terrorist groups in detonating roadside bombs."

Al-Qa'ida groups have previously used Iraqi children to carry out attacks on US and Iraqi security forces, even using them in one instance as a cover to sneak a car bomb past a Baghdad checkpoint before detonating the device with the youngsters still inside. Militants have also been accused of using mentally disabled women as suicide bombers.

Other insurgent groups have used children to fire rocket-propelled grenades and set roadside bombs, knowing that they were less likely to be shot at by soldiers.

The newly discovered children's cell appeared to derive its name from the Islamic belief that when children die they become birds of paradise.

Today's Public Service reminder

2009-04-13T18:22:00.005+01:00

Two sexy babes making out with eachother: very sexy.

Two chubby Valley Girls/ladettes in heavy make-up pretending to make out with eachother in a deep state of inebriation: about as sexy as an autopsy.

You're welcome.

TV is sex-ay!

2009-04-13T15:02:00.002+01:00

Why else would people say things like, "I'm gonna turn on the TV"? Also, if you were to read that and put an emphasis on "turn" it starts to sound like a subtle reference to rough sex (which, as any connoisseur of the fine art can tell you, is the best kind).

I think I might be suffering from boredom today.

Headonism vs Islam

2009-04-10T18:03:00.001+01:00

I remember Mohammed all too well from prophet school. A worse student you're not likely to find. I mean, the guy was literally illiterate. Now don't get me wrong, Mo was a cool guy 'n all. Especially when he was trippin' and had those crazy dreams and heard voices 'n shit. But a prophet? I don't think so. In fact, I remember telling him, "Sir, I knew Jesus, and believe me, you're no Jesus."

But then when word got around that he'd taken up deflowering of 9-year-olds, I was like, "dude... that is so way not cool." I never spoke to him again.

In conclusion: Mohammed, not quite kosher.

Now, convert to Headonism, infidels!

Shooting for the stars

2009-04-10T13:15:00.006+01:00

Everybody needs a mission in life. Noah had his Ark, Cato the Elder had his destruction of Carthage, NASA has space exploration and Sheryl Crow has that toilet paper thing. Well, I've always been an ambitious sort of a lad, so I've decided that my quest will be to count the number of hairs on my ballsack.

Now, this is obviously a highly dangerous undertaking and I could easily die trying. Should I not survive, please let the world know that I died for science and mankind.

Wish me luck!

Video of the day

2009-04-08T18:23:00.002+01:00

Rob Newman there, back in his heyday doing an impression of Ben Elton and his future self. A bit funny that Ben Elton has since developed, from being the utter twat that Rob so eloquently parodies, into... slightly less of a twat. While Rob himself has developed, from the sorta kinda cool guy he was then, into the complete knobhead of a poor man's 80s Ben Elton clone that he is today.

Teenagers suck

2009-04-07T17:33:00.003+01:00

Is there anything more annoying, boring and pointless than a teenager? Of course not. I mean, what exactly is the point of a teenager supposed to be? They don't work. They don't contribute anything to society. They're teeth-grindingly ugly. They reek of cheap perfume. They think every vacuous idea that pops into their empty little heads is somehow splendidly original. They don't do anything, except for scaring little ol' ladies and their little dogs.

Then they have this unpleasant tendency to go back and forth between loud, obnoxious delusions of grandeur and this whiny, pathetic, self-pitying of a self-flagellation business. But worst of all, they don't understand irony; but are quite obsessed with irony's feeble-minded cousin, sarcasm.

Teenagers just plain suck.

When I become dictator teenagers will be picked up by the police the day they turn thirteen and shipped off to some gulag where they'll be forced to do hard labour and undergo shock treatment until they've learned to behave themselves, understand irony and stop quoting Rage Against The Machine at every turn.

Vote for me!

Heart-warming story of the day

2009-04-04T11:39:00.009+01:00

Who said Jews and Arabs couldn't get along?

Israeli and Palestinians unite to rob a bank
RAMALLAH, West Bank (AFP) — An Israeli and a group of Palestinians last week set aside their differences in order to carry out an armed bank robbery, Palestinian police said Sunday.

The heist at a bank in the Israeli-occupied West Bank town of Ramallah on Tuesday was carried out by six armed gunmen who made off with some 30,000 dollars, according to security officials.

Palestinian police Colonel Adnan al-Damiri said police had arrested two Palestinians who confessed they carried out the robbery with three Palestinians living in Israel and an Israeli Jew.

The Israeli "was the mastermind of the operation and he also took part in it," before fleeing back to Israel, Damiri told a media conference.

He added that such coordination between Arabs and Jews could signal a "dangerous" new trend of organised crime in the Palestinian territory.

Headonism vs Christianity

2009-04-03T16:15:00.008+01:00

I remember Jesus very well from prophet school. He was a bit of a wimp, but a nice Jewish kid nevertheless. I could tell at first sight that he was the kinda kid that would get picked on all the time so I immediately decided to take it upon myself to look out for him and protect him from the bullies. Gawd knows he needed it. Jesus wasn't exactly a star pupil. In fact, for a Jew, he was a bit of a schmuck. Anyway, I was well chuffed for him years later when he finally got the opportunity to leave that carpenter gig (which he was never really cut out for anyway) and go work for this fancy upstart, Christianity.

But in the cold light of day, the question I have for Christians is this: if Jesus was all that, how come he didn't get his contract renewed? I rest my case. I mean, how much of a klutz do you have to be for the townspeople to nail you to a bloody cross!?

In conclusion: Jesus, nice but dim.

Now, convert to Headonism, infidels!

Conundrum of the day

2009-04-02T18:17:00.011+01:00

How do you defend yourself against a lollipop-wielding 7-year-old? Why, you whack him in the head with an axe, of course!

Israeli child killed in West Bank
A Palestinian attacker wielding an axe has killed an Israeli boy and wounded another in a Jewish settlement in the West Bank, police say.

[...]

Doctors said the fatality was a 13-year-old, while a seven-year-old boy was being treated for serious wounds.

The military wing of Islamic Jihad and Imad Mughniyeh Group said they carried out the attack, Israel Radio reports.

Headonism FAQ

2009-04-01T19:55:00.017+01:00

OK, so I got bored and decided to start my own religion. What follows is a short introductory FAQ to my new religion. Read, learn and obey. Or else.

What is Headonism?
Headonism is The One True Religion.

Who is Richard Head?
His most exultated, the Lion of Logic, the Baron of Bravery, the Prince of Piety, the Guv'nor of Greatness, the Hovercraft of Holiness and the Conquerer of Constipation, the Honourable Sir Richard Head is The Prophet (MTBFBFHTPWAAT) of The One True Religion, Headonism. He is the embodiment of God on Earth.

What are the central tenets of Headonism?
There are three pillars of Headonism.

Number one: worship your Prophet (MTBFBFHTPWAAT)! He gets cranky when He's not worshipped, and believe you me, you won't like Him when He's cranky.

Number two: don't be a douchebag! Like, ever. Got that? Just, don't.

Number three: have fun! To be bored is a great sin in Headonism, and to be boring is the greatest sin of them all. Those who have the most fun go to heaven, and have even more fun.

How is Headonism different from other religions?
Well, Headonism differs from lesser religions in many ways. For one thing we have a strict no-kiddie-fiddling policy. Secondly, we don't have that rather peculiar obsession with Jews that most all other religions suffer from. In fact, we rather like the loveable kooky funsters.

Thirdly, and most importantly, have you ever read the bible or quran and thought to yourself, "My, this God character is a bit of a schizo, isn't he? I mean, one minute it's peace, love and understanding, the next minute he threatens to strike down upon thee with great vengeance and fuuuuurious anger. And frequently does." Well, that's because the lesser religions got it all wrong, you see. God isn't a bitter old megalomaniac, or a big girl's blouse; he's just cool.

Do Headonists have any symbols, you know, like Christians have the cross?
Yes. Yes, we do. It's a wooden spoon. Like so.

What's the significance of the wooden spoon?
Earlier, feistier Headonists used to roam the land trying to smite whatever infidel happened to cross their path. This was due to the Book of Bob 2:5, which states "And verily, you, the faithful, are commanded by God, Our Lord, to go unto the world and smite the infidel with The Large Wooden Spoon of Righteousness." This practise has since been abandoned after it came to The Prophet's (MTBFBFHTPWAAT) attention and He issued an edict stating that it was a metaphorical commandment and declared the practitioners "very silly indeed."

So Headonism is just another violent religion?
Not at all. The only other outbreak of Headonistic violence in history is what became known as Brown vs White. This was the mother of all fratricides and broke out in 1987 over an argument about who was the second coolest cat in the universe; Barry White or James Brown. The wholesale slaughter was eventually brought to an end when The Prophet (MTBFBFHTPWAAT) intervened and uttered the now famous words, "or maybe it's Christopher Walken...?"

Shortly afterwards all three were granted Sainthood by The Prophet (MTBFBFHTPWAAT) and the matter was put to rest once and for all.

What's with this MTBFBFHTPWAAT stuff?
"May There Be Firm Boobs For Him To Play With At All Times". Sorta like lesser religions have "peace be upon him" (PBUH).

Aren't you just a bunch of perverts worshipping boobs?
What do you mean, that we're perverts who worship boobs or boobs who worship perverts? Stop using ambiguous language!

Anyhoot, the answer is: certainly not! How dare you!? It's vicious anti-Headonistic nonsense like that which leads to catastrophies like The Great Pr0n Outage of 1999. You have no idea what my people have been through!